Mary DeMuth: Not Marked
Happy birthday to my friend, Mary DeMuth! Today also marks the launch of her crowd-sourced book, Not Marked. Here's what Mary has to say about it:
I'm humbled and grateful to be here today. A huge thank you to Sandra for allowing me to share my heart.
A little background: I've sharedmysexual abuse story in the past few years, but I haven't always beenso open. Initially I kept it silent for a decade, then over-shared, then wentsilent another decade. The healing journey hasn't been easy, but it has beengood.
About a year ago, I sensed God wanted me to be bold insharing about sexual abuse. I wrote "TheSexy Wife I Cannot Be" on
Deeper Story, which went crazy (so many comments), followed by "I'mSick of Hearing About Your Smoking Hot Wife" on ChristianityToday. The overwhelming response [editor's note: Huffington Post ran a piece that mentioned it] to those two posts prompted me to write Not Marked: FindingHope and Healing after Sexual Abuse
.
The book proved too risky for publishers, so I decided to crowdfund it, which turned out to be an amazing success. I cannot believe that now I can hold Not Marked in my hands,and also offer it to you.
It's written from the perspective of a survivor. It doesn't offer cliche answers. It's honest. And my husband shared his unique journey of how to walk a loved one through their healing from sexual abuse.
The following is an excerpt from Not Marked—two commonly-asked questions I get about recovering from past sexual abuse.
I don’t understand how any good canpossibly come from the sexual abuse I experience as a kid and as a teen. And when I share my story, I often wonder if those people have any idea how much I hurt.
Oh, I have felt your pain, and there are days I still remain in those same questions.
What good can come from suffering?
For part of that answer I go back to Job, who lost everything—his children, his livelihood, his health, his will to live. He heard God at the beginning of his ordeal, but the scripture says he sees God at the end. That’s what I want. To see God.
Counterintuitively, I see God in the midst of my trials much more thanI see Him in my prosperity. Those trials in my life drove me to God. Not finding appropriate love made me long for perfect love. Feeling alone helped mereach my hand to a God who was there. When I think about it that way, I beginto thank God for the trials because they plunge me back into His embrace.
Still,if I believe God is omnipotent, loving, and omnipresent, I have a hard time reconciling why He would allow a child to be abused. After all, as a parent, I would do anything to prevent abuse in my kids. So why wouldn’t God?
I don’t have adequate answers even today. However, I’ve come to the place where I have chosen to rest in God’s paradoxical plan. The truth is He will redeem it. How he accomplishes that is different for each person. Please know that these wordsI write are not flip or throwing out pat answers. These understandings have been hard won.
Dopeople have any idea how much you hurt? Probably not. Not everyone will understand your story. Not everyone will have empathy. And it’s unfair toexpect they will. Other victims may come close to understanding your pain. But the only One who truly understands exactly how you feel is God. So pour out your pain to him.
Mind if I pray for you?
Lord, why? Why do You allow rape in people’s lives like you do? Help us to wrestle long enough so that we nestleonce again in Your arms. Be the protector we need. Help us to work through the questions. I pray they drive us closer to You, not further away. Lord Jesus,redeem these awful parts of our story. Make them sing. Use us to touch many, many women with Your grace. But we need to be filled with Your grace first.Fill us to overflowing. Right now. In this moment. Shower us with Your unconditional love. Help us see ourselves as You see us: spotless, beautiful, worthy of redemption. Amen.
I don’t understand why sex could possiblybe considered good. It only makes me feel used. What’s your take?
I have to go back to the book of Genesis to see how sex was intended to be very good. Unfortunately, after the fall of humanity, even the most intimate act became tainted with power struggles, abuse, and all sorts of darkness. To behonest, I still struggle with understanding the benefit of sex outside of procreation. But as I grow in my marriage, in that mutually beneficial place ofsurrender, I am beginning to glimpse its beauty. Sex is fun. Sex brings me closer to my husband in a way nothing else does, binding me completely to him.Sex means pleasure. It provides release, particularly from stress. It helps ustake our minds off a crazy day. It teaches us servanthood and kindness. It can even be funny.
That being said, I don’t think only sexual abuse victims struggle with sex being beautiful. In our subculture, we’ve been taught it’s a dirty no-no for so manyyears, that turning that switch from taboo to terrific isn’t easy.
So many people feel as you do, that sex isn’t good, that it’s an act where oneperson takes and the other gives more than she wants. Feeling used is verynormal for a sexual abuse victim, and the shift from used to tolerable toenjoyable takes a lot of time. Part of that is re-training your mind that Godcreates good things—sex included. It’s recognizing that you experiencedviolation, and that violation warped sex for you. Pursuing healing and daringto go to the dark places eventually brings light to sex’s beauty.